Disorder between generations of mother and daughter leads to conflict and frequent care to anxiety and burden

Why is the love of mother and daughter anxious and burdensome?

In traditional texts, father-son relationship usually holds the right to speak and is often written. Mother-daughter relationship is rarely mentioned as an affiliation with parent-child relationship. In modern times, the relationship between the mother-in-law and the mother-in-law has become a representative of the family conflicts, and it has entered the public's field of vision in high-profile fashion. Film and television works such as Double-sided Adhesives and the Good Times of the Daughter-in-law are highly sought-after. Equally between the elders and the younger generation, and also between the women, the mother-daughter relationship constitutes multiple conflicts. When such conflicts are intertwined with differences in personality, dislocation between generations, and changes in the times, they are often more intense. Facing the conflict between mother and daughter in the modern family is of great significance to improving the quality of family life and improving the individual happiness.

Persistence in detail, love became possession and coercion

"Why doesn't the remote control obey? Why not get up in the morning? Why have you been lying in front of your computer?" In the days when the media person Cao Jingjing and her parents were "under the same roof," my mother played such "one hundred thousand whys" every day. In her circle of friends, the mother, known as the "Queen of the Queen," is known for her reputation.

Born in the 50s of the last century, Cao's mother was the only daughter in her family. From childhood, she had to help her mother take care of her family's brothers. After the Cultural Revolution, she entered the medical university and began to live independently. In the military hospital, she is a single surgeon; at home, she is a hard-working housewife. For decades, Cao's mother has said "No" outside her home. Cao Jingjing said: "Mom has been very strong, but it used to be too busy. I didn't stir things up in her eyes. I didn't have to worry about each other." All the calm was broken after Cao's retirement. "How much milk I drink in the morning?" When I go to bed at night, my mom's opinions are permeated in all aspects of my life. If you do not do so, there will be endless jealousy and criticism."

From the time she went to college abroad, more than ten years ago, Cao Jingjing’s life with her mother was confined to the time when she returned home on the Chinese New Year and her parents visited her relatives occasionally. Today, mother and daughter get along day and night, Cao mother full-time as her daughter's "nutritionist", "training tutor", no matter how small, so that Cao Jingjing has a breathless feeling. “Sometimes I have trouble at work and I don’t speak at home. My mom thinks that I’m upsetting my face and my temper, and I’m often raised to the height of the only child’s precociousness. I sometimes complain that she’ll move out of school. How tough the job is, and your hardship is not a matter of 'teaching. The education of the mother may not be unreasonable, but this kind of education is often not the time, and therefore does not play any role." Cao Jingjing said with emotion, "I know my mother loves I, but this kind of love has infiltrated too much coercion and demand, lack of respect and understanding of the child as an adult, often cannot be echoed."

In the mother-daughter relationship, too much attention to details of life is often the trigger of life. "Why did you always throw things?" "You have a lot of pieces in your skirt closet, why buy them!" "Why don't you drink soy milk in the morning to eat duck blood fan soup?" ... when the children were grown up, Plays the role of society, but in the eyes of her mother, the 40-year-old daughter is still a child she did not grow up. The modern thinker Liang Qichao wrote to his son Liang Sicheng in his home book: “I have always served Zeng Wenzhen’s two words, 'I asked for it, but I asked,' I hope you all apply this spirit.” It is not a request from the elders, but a suggestion. Do not participate in each other's life, but from time to time to mention, perhaps, so relaxed and stress-free love, more acceptable to their children.

The concept of disparity, love starts from his own experience

The different lifestyles of the two generations also led to innumerable contradictions and conflicts. Online shopping, self-help travel, DIY, etc. The things that young people often do today are unfamiliar to the mothers who have also been living in big cities. He Yaxiu said: "My mother has never left the city since she was born. But her range of activities is home-unit-vegetable farm. Now it's nothing more than a supermarket for a supermarket. She even thinks that I spend more than 30 bucks for a cup of coffee. Neuropathy."

Differences in small matters can be ignored in the face of strong blood and affection, but conflicts in the “great right and wrong” often cause the mother-daughter relationship to “freeze”. The concept of "units" of people in the 1950s was very strong. Now, job-hopping is a very normal thing. After graduating 10 years, he changed 5 jobs until he became the boss. He has millions of net worth, and Ouyang Lanlan, who works in the advertising industry, has been envious of countless peers, but it has become a disagreement between her and her mother. ": Every time I change my job, my mother doesn't speak to me for a month at least. When I speak, it is a loud noise. In her eyes, I'm too casual and too irresponsible. In modern society, I have to work 'It is not worth showing off, but the mother firmly believes that we must find a so-called formal unit.

These conflicts stem from the huge differences between the two sides in the living environment, values, and outlook on life. The mothers who “have food stamps, cloth tickets, and fuel bills counted on their lives” understand that their daughters’ “overdraft, then repay the money” are Lifestyle is very difficult.

“We did not have a common language!” 40 Liang Liang’s mother shouted such words after her 60-year-old daughter, Liang Ruizhen. In the face of mother’s anger and even some desperate reprimands, Liang Ruizheng, a civil servant who has already had his daughter’s university education, feels helpless: “It is reasonable to say that if I did a mother’s life, I could understand her mother’s mood more. However, I’m really hard to identify with her mother’s many practices, such as her Do not allow online ticketing, I feel that it is not reliable; shopping can only use cash, not to swipe; I buy food from the supermarket, she will not see it, saying it is not new. "Mother's "all" let her In dealing with the relationship between herself and her daughter, I pay more attention to communicating in a child's favorite way. "I follow my daughter's Weibo daily, give her a message, sometimes humorously sneer a few words, and if it is interesting or instructive, I will forward it. Let her share with her. We are both mothers and daughters and more like friends,” Liang said.

Someone tweeted on Weibo: “There was a big change in the world in toilets.” In the moment, new languages, methods, behaviors, and ideas are emerging all over the world, even as the backbone of society. The young and middle-aged people also often feel that they can't keep up with the times. In this context, whether they are mothers or daughters, they should try to learn to think in the other party's position.

Lost stage, love becomes a psychological make up

“When I was in the operating room from 8 in the morning, I was busy till midnight and I didn’t even have time to sleep. I won the respect of the patient. At home, my daughter grew up and she completed her studies and went to work. The friends around said jokingly that the female surgeon The doctors are all iron people, but now they are old, and even the new microwave ovens at home are ineffective, watching my daughter busy every day, I can't get started.” Cao mother is very emotional. In that year, "Zhongxingpengyue", after the retirement of her family at home and abroad, Cao's mother put all her attention on her daughter: "Others can't help, and I can take care of some of my life, but she ignores me. In this case, she was not allowed to drink cold water in the morning, but she told me not to pay attention and replaced the hot water with cold water. At 10 o'clock in the evening, she stared at the computer and said that she did not bother. More often than not, it becomes an outburst. “I’m all grown-ups, and my mom is still staring at these details and is not satisfied with what I’ve done. Not arguing with her does not mean that I have no thoughts in my heart and I’ll still burst out one day. It is a trivial matter, but there are many small things and people are crazy." Cao Jingjing is helpless to the current mother-daughter relationship.

The mother who is gradually away from the center of the social stage has a somewhat complex mood in the face of her daughter who has stepped into the center of the stage. She will subconsciously use her own set to restrain her “unpleasant” behavior, and another, more intense desire is just like Cao's mother said: "The world changes so fast that I want to seize my daughter's hand and go forward together."

Falling in love and conflict frequently seem to reflect the real mother-daughter relationship today. In many cases, the daughter feels even more conflicts than love, but all of them are not because of "don't love" but because of "too much love": too want to make her daughter happy, too want to let her daughter detours. Mother's love is more persistent, more paranoid, and even more "obsessive-compulsive disorder" than a relatively thick parental love. To resolve this state, only understand each other and take a step back.

In traditional Chinese culture, the relationship between friends is an equal relationship, and parent-child relationship is a natural unequal relationship. In terms of personality, mothers and daughters are equal, but many mothers still believe that their daughters should listen to themselves, and that mothers and daughters have contradictions. No matter which party is wrong, daughters should bow first. So, can mothers who have an advantage in traditional concepts show signs of weakness? In the adult world, blindly “power”, even in the name of love and care, is still unavoidable.

Of course, in modern societies, mothers who are old and retired at home are actually increasingly marginalized, and their daughters are increasingly powerful. At this time, daughters are appropriately “showing weaknesses” and are more important in achieving a balance between mother and daughter. The small amount of “telephone time” fixed by Gou, who had just joined the work last year, was at least half an hour each night with her mother. Xiaoge said: “When you go to school and work, all your big ideas are taken by your parents. After your work, your wages are also kept by your mother. When you need to use money, ask her again. This kind of dependence feels good!” Dependence is also a kind of "Weakness."

Compared with her daughter, the mother's “weakening” at some time will have a multiplier effect. Because in the children's growth process, parents are always at an advantage, and children are at a disadvantage. If mothers can use the bridge of their daughters to understand the outside world, the sense of accomplishment of their daughters and their strong sense of responsibility towards their mothers will spring up. Slowly, the daughter is not “pulled” by her mother, but takes the initiative to hold her mother’s hand. Go ahead.

In any case, there is an unmatched love between the mother and daughter. What the mother wants to do is to suggest and let go. What the daughter wants to do is to listen and respect. Daughters need to consciously create opportunities for mothers to participate in their own lives, such as accompany their mothers to the supermarket shopping, short-distance driving to bring their mothers, often at home to talk about new things outside, to enhance the mother's participation in social life. Sometimes it's easier for a mother to be more busy than to let his mother be idle. In addition, it is possible to maintain a certain distance and give both parties a relatively independent space, which will greatly benefit the easing of tension.

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